10 Things You Probably Didn’t Miss This Summer

Eamon Morris and Justin Bocanegra

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  1. This past August, Donald Trump assured us his hair is real at a campaign rally.  In other news, an evil race of aliens is invading.  Just kidding. Both of those are most likely untrue.
  2. Google has revealed a new feature.  Type in “I’m feeling curious”, and you’ll get a fun fact. We here at The Spokesman are absolutely sure we won’t use this as an excuse to procrastinate.  Almost positive.
  3. With a recent IOS update, Apple released a new and exciting batch of emojis.  There are now a total of 845 supported across most platforms.  Soon, humans will communicate solely in tiny pictures of whales and smiling cats.
  4. El Niño is almost certain to arrive this fall, bringing heavy rains and flooding.  Luckily, some Servite building have two floors, so around 60% of the student body should be okay.
  5. The New Horizons probe made a flyby past Pluto in July.  Contrary to popular belief, Pluto is actually not only a massive yellow cartoon dog.  According to the NASA website, it is a dwarf planet 375-400 degrees below zero with a gravitational pull one-fifteenth of Earth’s.  So – to clarify – not a dog.
  6. Next year, a hologram of Whitney Houston will be touring the US, and then the world, performing live for millions.  Holograms of Ronald Reagan, FDR, and Dwight D. Eisenhower are sure to follow to join in the 2016 presidential race.
  7. To herald the coming of autumn, Starbucks has started to serve Pumpkin Spice Lattes…containing real pumpkin! We will now get to enjoy delicious, steaming lattes in the crisp autumnal 93 degree heat.
  8. J.K. Rowling recently revealed that Voldemort is actually pronounced “vol-de-more”, with a silent “t”, due to the name’s French origins.  As intriguing as this is, we at The Spokesman are still much more concerned with how to properly say “Wingardium Leviosa”.
  9. “Completely familiar. Entirely revolutionary.” Apple states this as their new slogan for its new products released on September 10th. Along with the release of Apple Pencil, we can soon expect other “completely familiar” products: The Apple Sponge, Apple Fork, and even Apple Scissors!
  10. San Andreas came out this summer, decreasing the amount of sleep an average Southern Californian gets by a whopping 114 minutes.  All Californians are now avoiding freeways and Los Angeles as a whole.  Things are getting Rock-y around there. Ha. Ha. Ha.
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