The Paranoid Californian’s Guide to El Niño

Brandon Tejeras, Staff Writer

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El Niño, generated by warmer ocean waters and torrential downpours, is around the corner! Now is the time to prepare! Your survival completely depends on how well you adhere to the following advice:

  • Hide your families, panic, and start barricading yourself in your house. If anything, just act like this is an alien invasion.
  • Make sure your drains are clean so, if a satellite were to take a picture of your neighborhood, it won’t look like the flood from Genesis.
  • Ensure that the roof on your house doesn’t have a gaping hole in it so drowning won’t interrupt your daily routine.
  • In terms of not running out of power, stop by your local nuclear reactor station and hook up an extension cord, because what is more integral to human survival than being able to watch Netflix with a gallon of ice cream straight from the freezer?
  • Now that I think about it, it would probably be best if you did stock up on food and water because foraging for food halfway through the storm is not a good option.
  • Last but certainly not least, try not to live on a hill. Mudslides are not as cool as they look in the movies. You don’t want your house to go all Iron Man 3 on you.

Although this advice might seem dubious, if you follow it, you will be just fine during this much needed El Niño. By the way, rain is good considering we are currently in a drought – I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

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